


My Anxiety gets the Best of Me

by silver_rayn123



Series: Silver's Dream SMP One Shots and Short Stories [2]
Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, MCYT (Minecraft Youtubers), Minecraft (Video Game), Sleepy Bois Inc, Video Blogging RPF, mcyt
Genre: A look into Techno after the festival, Anxiety Attacks, Dream SMP - Freeform, Dream Smp, Gen, He also has a panic attack during this near the end kinda, Like seriously Techno doesn't know how to people, One Shot, Panic Attacks, Sad TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Second Guessing Oneself, Semi-Graphic depictions of a panic/anxiety attack, Similar to the last one but with Anxiety, Sorry Wilbur and Tubbo are just mentions in this story, Techno has EMOTIONS and FEELINGS and doesn't know what to do about them, Techno has a panic attack at the end kinda, TechnoAnxiety, The song 'Overwhelmed by Royal & the Serpent' inspired this rewrite a lot!, Tommy is tired, Ver. 2 of this story, and 16 years old, and has the weight of a broken man and a broken county on his shoulders, because im mean, but this isnt about Tommy, nor dealing with his or others emotions, please help him, slight angst, sorta a character study?, that will be another story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:42:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27278179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silver_rayn123/pseuds/silver_rayn123
Summary: Techno is known to be a monster among men, a demon on the battlefield with a thirst for blood. That's all anyone cares about, no one talks about the fact he’s just a man, a man who feels and suffers and messes up like everyone else. The amount of blood he’s seen and shed and caused doesn't change that.Techno doesn't know why he's freaking out so bad about the festival and tries to convince himself he's fine.or alternately;Techno is bad with emotions and has anxiety|| Technoblade story Ver. 2 ||
Relationships: Dave | Technoblade & TommyInnit
Series: Silver's Dream SMP One Shots and Short Stories [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1987966
Comments: 2
Kudos: 147





	My Anxiety gets the Best of Me

**Author's Note:**

> Okay this is version 2 of the story. More angsty with anxiety lol  
> The song Overwhelmed by Royal & the Serpent had a huge part in the rewrite and I def recommend giving it a listen.
> 
> Warning, I detail the fact that throughout the fix Techno is feeling bad anxiety and he gets a panic attack at the end so be carful if that might upset you.
> 
> Don't forget to check out the other work(s) in this series, as well as the first version!

It's the night after the festival and Techno was taking a walk at night, feeling numb. Everything went better than expected, he didn't die, and many new people had come forwards and said they were all for chaos and bloodshed. And even better, Wilbur was on board! He was honestly worried he'd have to deal with their difference in… opinions but now he didn't really have to worry.

All of this should have felt great, he should be happy with today but… he was just feeling anxious. He forces those thoughts away and forces himself to to think positively. Today went fine and everything was okay.

Sure, something about Wilbur's new outlook made him feel off, and sure Tommy was furious and slowly gaining a dead look in his eyes that kinda worried him, and sure he had to kill Tubbo, but they all knew what they were getting when they brought him on. He warned them and they brushed aside, it was their and Tommy's fault for assuming otherwise.

Besides, he thought, slinging his shield onto his back and his sword in its side sling, he had really no option. He only went to the dumb festival to find info on Schlatt and Manberg in the first place, so it was Tommy and Wilbur's fault really. He didn't want to hurt the kid, Tubbo was an ally, a friend even and dying, while not permanent, still hurt and he felt bad about it but what other option did he have?

He tried to stall, up there on the podium. He looked from Tubbo’s scared eyes to Wilbur's cloudy ones, and Tommy's angry eyes up on the roof tops for direction, but no one made any moves to help him out. An anxious, bitter thing rose from his chest and curled up his throat in that moment, and he began to feel a soul sucking overwhelming feeling.

So he turned to what he was familiar with and pushed away his feelings, slipping into cold, hard logic to decide what to do next, he weighed his options and made a choice. At least Tubbo would respawn safely away from Jschlatt and the box, he reasoned, and Techno was close enough to him he'd pick up anything valuable. So he chose, buried the odd sinking feeling deep in his chest, and fired the crossbow.

Of course, it all went to shit and any plan he was trying to cobble together frantically was yeeted out the window once the crossbow not only killed Tubbo, but the President and his lackey too. He heard people begin to move behind him, hear the clink of armor being put on and weapons being drawn and he just reacted, turning to fire on the crowd of people indiscriminately and frantically before bolting in the direction of what was familiar and safe, back to Pogtopia.

Later, once they were safe and he had a moment to breathe he looked back at the events that transpired and winced, trying to pretend the gasps for air were because he was running and not because the panic was catching up to him. He pushed it off, trying to reason with himself instead.

Yeah, he should've probably helped Tommy out before they killed him and took some of their best stuff, maybe tested the crossbow first, and maybe met up to talk strategy of what to do or if something went wrong with Wilbur and, er, or just maybe talk with Tommy, Wilbur clearly wasn't in the right headspace for that probably, but they should of thought that through! This wasn't his shtick, he was just along for the ride and to loosely follow along.

He nodded along, locking those painful, burning feelings in his head and his chest away and entered Pogtopia to meet up with the others.

That also ended up being a giant mess, the aftermath. He should've probably explained his reasoning better then 'I was peer pressured' back at Pogtopia but as he tried to speak what he felt, it felt like his mind wasn't his and anxiety and panic started to creep back into his brain and chest and mouth until he could only parrot the same lame words over and over again instead of actually explaining. It felt like someone else had taken over while he was mentally struggling to think and breathe.

He should of been fine, but nothing felt fine so he fought desperately with it until Tommy demanded the Pit and he felt calmer because he knew fighting and if Tommy demanded this be settled with fists, well it was easier trying to convey what he was actually feeling.

In the end, he warned them many times what he was about, and like he told Tommy, the time for words was over. They said what was needed to be said, fought it out, and the blond boy lost, and he could breathe again as he calmed and settled into these words like a mantra until he could pretend he believed them.

Techno was broken from his musings by a flash of red in the corner of his eye as he walked and he turned slowly, tensing and narrowed his eyes to spy the thing that caught his attention, but relaxed when he saw it was just Tommy. He was sitting on top of a tree on the hill Pogtopia was buried under, looking at the horizon and swinging his legs lightly.

"Hey Tommy". He said, making his way over and gave a slight wave at the base of the tree, Netherite armor not making a single sound (god he loved this armor). Tommy barely even moved, just barely swiveling his head the smallest amount to look at him with those dying eyes that made his chest hurt again, and looked away to face the sky once more.

Techno shoved the feeling away and ignored the way it made the hair on his neck stand up, climbing up the tree to sit beside the younger. It was just Tommy after all.

"What's up?" Techno tried again, looking to where Tommy was staring. Just in the distance was the very outskirts of Manberg and Techno just mentally sighed, prepared to get into another verbal argument with the angry boy.

But Tommy didn't snap or argue, or even try to lecture Techno, instead Tommy turned to look at him and spoke softly. "Why. You're just playing into that bastards hands, just like Wilbur." His tone was so unlike him, a man on the verge of collapse under the weight of a cruel world, not an angry spitfire of a boy fighting for a dead nation, and Techno honestly had to take a second to take that in before he shrugged.

"I don't care, as long as it ends with bodies on the floor and a collapsed government. Wilbur's plan is much more fun and makes more sense. I could've told you from the beginning your plans aren't going to work Tommy." He speaks with no sugar coating, saying it so well he almost believes himself.

Tommy turns to face him and stares into his eyes, deep and tired and losing hope, and the panicky feeling starts to prickle painfully. "I've given everything for my country. My life many times, my hopes and dreams, my items, and it's gone Techno. I have a best friend who is too soft for real war, tons of people I honestly have no idea whose side they're on, the Bastard who took it all, and My leader has given up and is going crazy, can't you see Wilbur is sick Techno? Why would you feed into that?!" Tommy rises up so he's standing on the branch, leaning on the trunk and he's angry but it's all wrong, all cold and tired instead of heated and impulsive.

Techno rises too, balancing easily on the thinner branch next to Tommy’s, so Tommy has to look up to look in his eyes and lets his tone fall flat and dry as he can. "Wilbur is off, sure, but he’s making sense, you're the one who refuses to listen. You knew what you were getting when you called me for help Tommy. I warned you many times, the others too. Im not dumb, I knew you and Wilbur were prepared to deal or at least pacify me as we went but this is a better deal for me. I'm here for chaos and bloodshed." Techno responds evenly, words feeling wrong and ruined but he cant stop them from being the ones he speaks.

And like that, Tommy slumps, like a marionette with his strings cut and all the cold anger leaves, but his eyes are still piercing weights that cut deep. Techno’s hand twitches to reach out, like he could hold the boy up against the fictional weight, but he aborts the motion the second he starts it.

"I thought…" Tommy paused, rubbing the still bruised shoulder that Techno himself caused a few hours ago. "I thought that it wouldn't matter, that being friends was enough for you to care, to care about us, about Wilbur." The ‘I thought you cared about me’ was unspoken, but still said in the silence.

The piercing in his chest grows and it hurts and Techno struggles to stay afloat as everything begins to close in on him, but not willing to deal with the confusing feeling right now so he scrambled mentally to slam it down and away until he can deal with it alone and in private. He somehow manages to keep his voice even when he responds, too much effort to acknowledge how much he has to fight to keep his voice from wavering.

"We are friends though man. I'm still on your side, you just gotta let it go." He says trying to keep it light. He swallows roughly and tries to smile at the younger blond.

"No, I don't think we are Technoblade." Tommy speaks, soft and harsh at the same time and Techno can't ignore the pain anymore as the words stab him, hurting so much he barely registers the blond turning and hopping off the tree, disappearing out of sight.

Techno grasps at the tree trunk, fingers digging painfully into the wood as soon as Tommy leaves his point of veiw and he lets out a shaky breath, and another. The feeling is overwhelming as his arms tremble and he climbs down slowly, not trusting himself to not fall and break something right now.

Soon as he touches ground, he has to force himself to move unsteadily back in the direction of his base on semi-auto pilot, only focusing on trying to not fall apart or trip over something on the forest floor. And, he tries to make sense of all the overwhelming feelings swirling around, to understand why he was so hurt by this. Techno doesn't really have friends, never did, and even all the people he calls his friends know who and how and what he is, and what he's willing to do, enough to know to not get too close.

But even he can acknowledge that it had felt different with them, with Wilbur before he gave up and before Tommy was left to pick up the pieces. He liked the banter in the caves and the worry Wilbur had when he asked Techno when he last slept while he handed them their new farmed potatoes. He liked it when he was giving tips to Tommy about how to fight in a crowd, only for the blond to scream about how he was going to win and Techno just dumping him on his ass, and even he had to acknowledge Tommy was a good fighter. He liked it being the underdogs and he genuinely wanted them to win this war, as futile as it seemed, that's why he was here. He would have flipped sides already otherwise, or left to start his own wars.

But… this was who he was. Blood and fighting and chaos, right? It shouldn't matter, this shouldn't be affecting him like this he thinks almost angrily, confused and upset at himself. He practically throws his armor away from him and the pieces land with crashes and bangs as he swirls around the room to remove them. He pushes his weapon away from him and collapses into bed, climbing until he’s in the corner then he buries himself in blankets as his walls begin to crash and burn, and his chest begins to heave as his breaths come in fast and his hands shake so bad he can barley feel them.

He knew it would end up this way one way or another, so why did it hurt so fucking much? Why was this making him freak out? Why did seeing Tommy like that make him want to try and fix it to make it better? Why did he want to bring Wilbur away from those dark caves of lost regrets and crazed plans to try and rediscover the will to take back the lost country? Why did seeing Tubbo's eyes full of fear and regret and misplaced understanding make him want to hide him from the war? Why did he feel so much regret and bitterness when he heard Dream had given up his determination for a 'redemption arc' in a few crazed words?

Why did being him, just who he was, hurt so much now when it never did before?

Why did they make him want to find out why they put so much love and effort into L’manberg?

These thoughts torment him as he tries to work through them, but he can't do anything as they curl and whirl around his head until they blur and the words become just shitty, overwhelming feelings.

He lays like that for hours, shaking and confused and emotional, and before he passes out he thinks that, just maybe, maybe he's more tired of who he is then he'd like to admit.

**Author's Note:**

> As much as techno likes to deny it, in universe Techno does in fact feel very lonely and he does like Pogtopia, he’s just emotionally constipated and doesn't know how to deal with or accept the fact he can have friends if he’s willing to let them in. Or how to handle the fact he has emotions and cant help them, he's still human after all.
> 
> He’s also very socially awkward and honestly didn't think he had a choice during the festival, and explaining that didn't really work. His first instinct is to try and ignore the feelings and/or make light of the situation because, again, he doesn't know what he’s doing and has a hard time dealing with it all lol
> 
> Thanks for putting up with my two versions of the same story nonsense, hope you enjoyed! XD


End file.
